[DearDiary] All about my feeling lately~

Today, I wanna write about everything.. About everything that I feel lately...
I dunno... Im confused when Im going to write this, but I do want write this becoz I like to write my story. Anything that makes me happy or vice versa.
Maybe it will be a bit random...

Well,
I just feel, umm.... Err... what can I say? I dunno what can I call this, but, this is strange.
Maybe I just feel tired with all these works. But, I might not feel like that actually.  I have to enjoy these, but I dunno it's hard for me...

So many pressure... Wherever...
I dont like to be forced or compared with other...

First, my relationship with my friend. Why did I feel that become strange or.. whatever... But, that's the truth... She was different to me... Not too close like before.. I dunno the reason. But truly Im not comfort to be like this...

I am like alone, there... Ok... there's many persons. But, I ususally with her, and now she was rarely with me... Maybe I made mistake that I didnt recognize.

Then, my job in PPL. I got a job to collect the data, two, with my friend.
But, until now, I dunno where she is.. She doesnt even ask about that. Didnt call me, or text me.. never come to school... Yes, they said she was sick... I hope you get well soon ne, odaijini...

And, when nobody can be relied on, when nobody could hel me, I do it by myself... Alone....
#the data is not just for me indeed, they will use it as well... but why they didnt pay attention :(

And.... the college...
I like to study and lecturing...
But, why when I role as a teacher, I felt hard...
I just sensitive,, too sensitive.. I couldnt face the students which is not paying attention. I could snap on them, I couldnt angry to them. So, they were brave to talking back to me... Poor me -,-


I dont hope to be respected, but... at least, as teacher, they have to listen to me when Im talking. Okay, I understand... Not all of student like that. They are vary. I know that. Hontou ni I know... I thought, whether it was becoz my last attitude. Might be I ever made my teacher messed up with my attitude, so now I got it too... Shiranai...

And one thing that I wanna throw out is, lazyness...
Yaa Allah... I just appologize and ask your protection, from that feeling...
Why? Why am I so easy to lose.. Why do I often faint. If I fell pain , a little, I didnt do my work. Well, I did it actually, but with any sighs.. -,-" #bad

I dont wanna sigh anymore...
I wanna walk sincerely...
Allah....I beg You to guide me....

And also... my family exactly my Ojisan #I dont really like him actually Gomen
Why did he always boast his daughter, my cousin. He said thiss... He said that... He said she is the best, she will graduate S1 in 3 year, she is great...
So?? I have to clap my hand, huh??
I have to rooling on my bed??
Huh, I dont like his way to say that... That's not important for me...
Even my parent never said that...

Listen, I was revolted with this and dont wanna hear that anymore.
I dont wanna get the question like that anymore...
What semester are you?
Have you graduated?
HAve you proposed your skripsi?
Why dont you do acceleration? S1 in 3 years, 1 year??
Urusai, tebayo!
Stop it!
Let me walk with my own speed. If I wanna add my speed, I will do that by myself.
Maybe I dont run, but I also dont crawl, tebayo?
I just want to enjoy my journey, not too hurry to get 'that'
My lecturer said, dont be hurry. I must do that seriously. Not only finished, but also correct.
Okay, you may talk anything you want... And boast your achievement in front of me... I wont rolling on the ground by seeing it...

I know maybe Im a slow walker, but you have to know, that I never walk back...
Someday I will fly... Not only run ...
After this I will do that... Little by little...
I dont do this this time, bcoz I m the person who couldnt do more than one job in one time...
Im messed up...
Finished one, then do another. Thats better I think...

My parent also said, dont press my ownself...
Yeah, bcoz my head will get pain again if I got too tired or do too many assignments..
Im very weak, rite?
Shiranai,,, my head always pain...
I want to be like Aya Kito, Elena desserich or Keke (SKUT) ...
They have illness, but they dont give up to study...
I wanna be like them..
I dont wanna feel and think about my illness...
I just have to do best...
So my parent wont disappointed to me...

I wish I can be strong... Stronger.....
Akiramenaide nan toka naru yo~
Gambarimashou, Asy-chan (,^^)9

September 7th, 2012